Oh, Apple, je t'aime. I have loved you since I was doing cutting-edge BASIC programming on the Apple II in my gifted class, circa 1980 (50 IF A$ "Yes" THEN GOTO 120; 120 PRINT "You are TOTALLY AWESOME", U$) . That was pretty shrewd marketing on your part, hooking me on your drugs at age 8. But I was willing; you were so cool. If it had been me buying the computer instead of my father, we would never have bothered with the two Trash-80s (although I think there is now a certain cache to having actually owned the one with the cassette tape drive), nor would we have thrown money down the drain with that Amiga 500, but you know, the old dudes were hooked in their youth on IBM.
Though largely a slave to the Macintosh side of the college computer lab, once free to spend my (parents') money on the computer of my choice (as opposed to the obligation I/my father had to replace my friend's half-typewriter/half-computer in Paris after my confusion as to whether or not it needed a 110-220 converter (it did) led to its immediate and fiery demise), I ran straight back into your loving arms my senior year of college. My trusty PowerBook Duo with docking station saw me through an 80 page thesis on how democracy and Islam were inherently compatible (as would surely play out in Algeria), preparation for oral philosophy exams (requiring relearning and regurgitation of 4 years of study), and then three years of law school.
But then, entry into the legal field required working with Word Perfect. And while I maintain, to this day, that WP is a vastly superior product to the crap Microsoft cobbled together in an extremely poor imitation thereof, the fact is that you and Corel never got along. And thus, I was finally required to cross over to the dark side of PCism. I'm so sorry, Apple, you know I didn't want to do it, but you made me. Had you been a less belligerent company regarding software, or not been so half-assed about allowing me to flip between operating systems, I never would have left you. Your ridiculous and spiteful ways regarding Microsoft have always left those of us who love you unable to work with you. And now you're doing it with Google, too, you idiots. J'accuse, Apple!
Still, I cannot escape my addiction to you. The fact is, you are the most beautiful thing with two USB ports. (Who needs 3, really?) Growing up with a modern architect who insisted on all white walls and no knick knacks, of course I love your minimalist design. In short, I was born to love you, 15" Macbook Pro, with your beautiful (recycled!) aluminum unibody and glass construction, the magical Multi-Touch Trackpad, backlit keyboard with ergonomic keys, brilliant HD display, and high-end graphics card. And you are Energy Star rated, with an 8-hour battery life (if I'm not running anything). I really, really, really want you.
And the truth is, I have, with the advent of the new laptop system at work, been freed from my absolute need to have a PC at home. And even though our new laptop system came with a new tech system that no longer supports Lotus Notes on Macs, the truth is that I have this old Acer here that I can use if for some reason I'm working from home and didn't lug home that 10 lb piece of crap Dell laptop the USG provided me. And to be honest, I don't know which I hated more - the old HP I had (which was produced under Carly Fiorina's tenure there and does nothing to inspire any confidence whatsoever in her ability to produce a useful, working product, much less state government), or the Acer I now have. Why Acer felt the need to partition my 80 GB hard drive into two unmergeable 40 GB drives, thus leaving me insufficient memory to run anything, is beyond me. People say, "d, d, whenever WILL you put up the pictures of [the house/the trip/your really cute kitty]" and I have to reply, "Well, I've been trying to upload them for 17 days now and I'm still only halfway there!!" And then there is the whole nightmare of trying to run Adobe Photoshop when your computer is essentially powered by a really tired, old, fat hamster. I'm so tired of the random BSOD periods that are apparently related to the graphics card that has never properly worked, which take over my computer for entire days at a time and then disappear as if there's no problem at all. I'd like to be able to run my iPhone on my own computer (instead of my spouse's) for a change, since there isn't enough room for Windows, Word, Photoshop, and iTunes on this doorstop-cum-laptop. Not that I don't appreciate my spouse's generosity, but I'm tired of the eyerolls I get when I ask him to download my favorite ELO or No Doubt CD, and I'd rather just cut off his ability to sneak in the entire Morrissey catalogue in the (vain) hope that I will learn to worship The Moz. Of course, if I turn back into your cold embrace, Apple, I know that I'll have to fend off his theft of you, just like when he railed against you for years but then promptly stole my 2Gen iPod.
So, I'm ready, Apple. I'm ready, but it's the extra $800 I'd have to spend to own you that has come between us. I've priced the Runner Up (the Vaio), Miss Congeniality (the new Samsung), and the Ugly Duckling (ThinkPad), and in order to get what I am told I should probably have for what I want to do (mostly photo work, running my iPhone, working from home once in awhile, and maybe some Garage Band action): 8GB RAM, 500 GB hard drive, i5 processor, 15" HD non-glare screen, and MS Office, everyone else is considerably less than you. No, they aren't made from recycled materials, no they aren't as pretty, their batteries are shite, they aren't as energy-efficient, they don't run as well, and they don't have your magic Multi-Touch, and I know these soft variables do have value but they are so hard to quantify, especially when you're still trying to pay your contractor to finish your house. It's just that I'm not sure your extras add up, especially since I'm still going to have to go track down some student or teacher willing to buy me a copy of Photoshop CS5 Extended and then I'm going to have to come up with tuition money to figure out how to use it.
I know, I know, you're reminding me of my earlier post about buying cheap crap and asking me to put my money where my consumer and aesthetic moral mouth is. But really, are you even worth the extra money or are you just trying to gouge me the way you always do, you evil, heartless computer pusher? You are the Ligne Roset of computers. But still...you'd look soooooo good on my desk.
Whatever is a girl to do?
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