Friday, May 14, 2010

If Only We Were Contractors

What we have accomplished in the last 30 days, on top of our other full time jobs:

1) Powerwash and stain fence and shed. Install hooks to hang family of bicycles, thereby proving viability of architect's plan (as improved by builder) for all 3 bicycles to fit in shed and disproving husband's disbelief on this point.

2) Plant 2 ginormous trees. Prune trees and shrubs in front, plant annual vegetable crop.

3) Plant tree and 10 shrubs for neighbors to thank them for putting up with the crap they've endured for the last 3.5 years.

4) Run all audio wire and cable for addition.

5) Installed new microwave (okay, we really only helped our friend on this one).

6) Scheduled repairman for new microwave's terrifyingly squealy and smoky convection setting.

7) Called animal control on neighbors regarding feral cat problem; first response from City in years to delight of entire neighborhood.

8) Tried to schedule inspection of fireplace only to discover that permits expired 10 months ago for lack of work. Pleaded with City Code Department to not force us to reapply all over again lest I end up in insane asylum. Pleas heard; permit reinstated; asylum avoided. Scheduled fireplace inspection. Passed inspection - we are now batting 1000 for inspections in 2010!

9) Freecycled all the tile samples getting in everyone's way to the delight of all.

10) Finally picked and ordered wood flooring.

11) Left several (unreturned) messages with HVAC guy to please, please, PLEASE come finish this project.

12) Demo'ed the stairs. Again, not us, but amazingly kind friend. (For all the woes of this house, the one positive constant is the warmth and love our friends have shown us over the years in pitching in. Warm fuzzies to all of you!)

13) Called City to challenge new tax increase clearly based on a finished addition which clearly does not exist. City appraiser kindly came out for a look and voluntarily retracted increase.

14) Replaced old potrack that required a wall with much improved new potrack which dangles from ceiling. Figured out how to hang new potrack from steel beam. Problem solved in 4 days, start to finish (this was entirely husband's handiwork, so kudos to him).

Here's the special i-beam clamps we found on the interwebs:

And here's the final product:


That's a pretty long list if you knew the hours we were pulling at work, too. So I am very proud of all these accomplishments! YAY US!!

On the downside (because apparently, with this project, there's never just an upside), our actual contractor has put in less time on the project over the last month than we have. And, apparently, we can't get him full time until August because he has a client he was hired by in January whose basement he gutted 2 months ago who he just can't keep putting off. He said this as if to evoke our sympathy, but we stood there speechless, as we hired him a year ago, he knocked down our wall 6 weeks ago, and our entire house is a total wreck...

Sometimes I think I should quit my day job and go into contracting. Here is what you would get from me if I did:

1) A full cost estimate and realistic timeline before the project. You wouldn't have to double anything, because I already would have, and I'll tell you that. So odds are high that I'll come in early and under budget, but if I was still wrong, that's my problem, not yours.

2) I would work solely on your project until it was done. Other people, even if good clients, would just have to wait, unless it involves Rule #6. Everyone would be willing to wait, because my policy will be clear and they will benefit from it, too.

3) I would clean up after myself everyday.

4) I would give you status updates at least twice a week on my own initiative and would not avoid you even if the news was bad.

5) My employees will be treated respectfully and everyone will have health insurance. Also, I will not hire anyone whose work isn't as good or better than mine even if I'm not looking. Which I will be. Good people will work for me because I will pay them appropriately. This means I will not be as cheap as others, but I will not be unfair either, and what you get will be worth every cent.

6) If it breaks afterwards, I will assume that it was my bad and fix it toot sweet.

7) You'll get some homemade cookies to celebrate at the beginning and at the end. And to console you if there's a hiccup. And if you're not happy with my work, then I'm not done yet.

There it is: Seven Steps to Highly Successful Contracting. Now if I only had all the necessary skills...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

We Are the Lorax

Here is what we did for Earth Day/Arbor Day/to Celebrate Spring:

1) Go to Alexandria Earth Day. Buy Forest Pansy Redbud for neighbor at Earth Day Tree Sale.

2) Leave Earth Day and go to Merrifield Garden Center's new Gainesville, VA location. Gape in awe at enormous selection - trees and shrubs as far as the eye can see. Hit Heritage River Birch section. Pick out enormous tree. Then pick out slightly smaller but straighter tree instead. Go to ornamental section. Negotiate appropriate size of tree with husband. Bring in Merrifield's outstanding landscape architect, Robert, as mediator. Both of you listen enraptured as he discusses cherry blossom scenes in The Last Samurai. Know this is your man. Husband wins tree negotiation over installation of a Japanese White Pine in the corner. Console yourself with tomato plants and make mental note to purchase your husband a book on Japanese tree pruning.

3) Get a good night's sleep!

4) Knock, knock! Who's there?



Oh aren't you cute?



Oh crap.

5) Have husband dig gigantic hole while you run to Lowe's for compost. Come back to already dug hole for giant birch tree. Nearly kill yourselves getting tree into hole facing the wrong direction. Use each other, the tree, and the hole in a pseudo-Spirograph method to turn tree in correct position. Fill hole.

6) Help your husband dig hole for pine tree. Or not:



Hmm. Go back to Lowe's.

7) Fix pipe.

8) Plant pine tree in correct direction and fill hole while husband plants neighbor's new tree.

9) Water. Enjoy accomplishing massive feat before dark! Go out for tacos to celebrate.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

What's green and has a big hole in the wall?


Green roof:


















The wall comes down:


















That's the face of progress, my long-lost friends. We have been inching forward at a snail's pace for so long, that such a sudden leap forward in a single day really took our breath away - and not just because of all the dust.

I watched the sun set over our new green roof and imagined future dinners al fresco and then came downstairs and pulled out a chair, sat down, and stared at this for awhile. I can see what a huge difference this space is going to make once it's done, and for the first time in 3 years and 3 months, I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now if only we can keep the train on track.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Yes, Virginia, There Is a Sanity Clause



It has been many moons - one of them blue, even - since my last entry, and as I have had requests (two = plural) to provide an update, I feel I would be remiss in not obliging such faithful readers. Additionally, there is shockingly good news to share for once, and no it does not involve a stork.

Our lawsuit has been settled.

This unexpected resolution reminds me of one of my all time favorite childhood stories, which in my usual storytelling style will be too long but will have a point, I promise.

The Christmas Miracle of 1977

When I was about 6 or 7 years old, we were not a family of means (to say the least). We were living in a trailer park next to a cornfield and my parents struggled to make ends meet. As is typical of children who are keenly aware of their lot in life, I kept my wish list to Santa short and pretty attainable (besides my annual pony request): I asked simply for a sled. Specifically, the Flexible Flyer. You know, the wooden kind with the shiny red metal runners that you could steer - and knew it would be perfect on the hill nearby. I could already feel the wind on my face as I raced by the other kids on their broken plastic discs.

That Christmas, I got a horrible flu virus that had me in and out of consciousness for much of my holiday from school. As a result, my parents kept me mostly on the couch, where they could monitor me. And so it came to pass that sometime after midnight on Christmas Eve, I woke up to find my parents putting presents under the tree and learned that Santa wasn't really real. Although disappointed in the death of a little bit of life's magic, I can't say I was all that shocked by this discovery. But when my mother heard me stir and started to turn her head, I quickly shut my eyes and pretended I was asleep. It's funny to think about, but I didn't want to disappoint them or take away the fun they were having by telling them the jig was up.

Anyway, the next morning we opened the presents, which were largely clothes and a few games, but no sled. Then, there was a knock on the door and a delivery truck in the street. Two gentlemen were there to make a special delivery for Little Miss Me. They opened the truck doors and pulled out a ramp and rolled out a beautiful brand new piano with a big red bow on it that read Merry Christmas on the trailing ribbon. And attached to the music stand of the piano was a shiny gold plate indicating how this piano had been made just for me with my name in beautiful cursive engraving.

A piano of my own! A golden name plate!! What an incredible luxury! My parents stood smiling and said that every child should have music in their lives. For one of the few times in my chatterbox life, I was stunned into silent gratitude and awe, understanding fully the sacrifice they had made, and filled with love for their intense desire to make sure I had opportunities they had not had.

Yet in my little selfish only-child heart, I was also disappointed to find no sled under the tree or behind the doors of that truck. It was a fleeting thought, the inevitable disappointment of a six year old who wanted only a simple toy. I scolded my inner ingrate and went and ran my fingers over the keys of my new piano.

Late that afternoon - right at twilight - I went out on the front porch on my way over to play with new Christmas toys at my friend's house across the street. And that's when I saw it: the sled of my desire. There was no bow on it, no nametag, no nothing. Just a brand new, shiny red metal and wooden Flexible Flyer, leaning against the wall where nothing had been that morning. I looked around but nobody was there - there was not even a trace of footprints in the little scattering of snow on the porch. I ran inside and hugged my parents and bubbled over with my gratitude for the sled AND the piano. My parents, however, looked at each other quizzically. My mother told my father he shouldn't have and he said that he didn't. This went around for a few times, and then there was some concern that perhaps the sled was meant for someone else. But then my mother said that Santa must have left it, and so it must have been, for no one ever confessed to its delivery and my parents insist to this day that it was neither of them (and they're bad liars, so I would know.) In my rational mind, I know it was probably a neighbor who knew both what I wanted and what my parents were getting me - perhaps it was the woman across the street from whom I ended up taking piano lessons, who had no children of her own. But I like to think that it was Santa, who fulfilled my secret wish even after I'd written him off and no longer believed in him.


Pulling that signed agreement from the mailbox was just like finding that sled on the porch, after all hope was gone and I was ready to face the cold truth that no, Virginia, there is no Santy Claus. Here is the thing I wanted desperately but didn't believe was possible to get, miraculously sitting in my hands after I'd long since given up: peace, justice, closure. I think of settlements as a sort of legal peace offering like the one we all give each other at the end of mass - a wish for peace and goodwill, closure and a new start all in a handshake, but I am obviously overly emotional and nostalgic. Still, this is a surprisingly sane and kind ending for this tale of madness (this chapter of the tale, anyway). I feel more at peace as a result of this and honestly hope our former contractor does, too.

So here's a belated but heartfelt toast to 2010 and a new decade... and peace be with you!

Sunday, November 15, 2009

And the Award for the Most Ironic Construction Experience goes to...

I am finally working on our lawsuit against our Original Incompetent Contractor (OIC). There is an old adage in the juridical field that a lawyer who represents herself has a fool for a client. Applicable here as well, I am sure, although I like to think of my role as the licensed fool rather than the natural fool in this instance if for no other reason than that I have passed the Virginia State Bar Exam. I am thinking of wearing this to the hearing:

The only thing stopping me is that judges are generally not known for their senses of humor. Except for this guy: http://www.kttlaw.com/dlr/riddle.pdf; or this guy: http://www.scribd.com/doc/21787619/In-Re-Richard-Willis-King-USBC-WDTX-05-56485-C-ORDER-2-21-2006. Apparently bankruptcy judges are really funny - who knew?

I have to say that there is an advantage to having waited nearly two years to take on this project, namely: having calmed the f*** down. I think the reason for the adage above is that irate people tend to be unreasonable people, and the law prizes dispassionate reason uber alles. Which is why you should hire a lawyer when things end up in court, because it's really hard to be dispassionate and calm when you've been victimized by someone; so it's best to shut up and pay someone else to calmly and elegantly rip them to legal shreds while you smirk from behind. You've seen Judge Judy, right? You don't want to be the crazy person screaming across the lectern at your nemesis unless you are getting paid by the producers to do so.

The sole exception to the self-representation rule in the construction context (besides going on Judge Judy) is when you can't afford both the lawyer and finishing the project, and - MOST IMPORTANTLY - you aren't going to drive the guy over in the parking lot on the way out if you lose. If you can't trust yourself on this last point, it's best to just forget the whole damn thing and do something fun but legal like standing outside his house with a board saying he's a crook who can't contract his way out of a paper bag.

Anyway, this is a story about the ironies of being your own lawyer - or maybe this story proves that something really weird is going on that should perhaps be reworked into a novel that will result in a movie where Meryl Streep stars as the goddess twisting our fate from up above, and Amy Adams plays me, the blogger/lawyer/cook/mini-contractor living out this twisted tale; but before I get to the punchline, I need to give you the backstory.

Water Wars

What drove me to start this blog was the Perpetual Font of the Lord's Anger atop which we apparently built our addition. Well, that's what the contractor will argue anyway. And had we not resolved it through reason and skilled labor, I too would have attributed the problem to divine wrath. Visually speaking, every time it rained, the lower level of the addition looked like this:

OIC, of course, said all we needed to do was backfill the trench around the house and all would be fine. Yeah, well: WATERPROOFING: FAIL!! So we parted company with OIC and started consulting people on what to do about this wet mess. The results came out 50/50: put in a sump pump or re-waterproof and fill the trench. We just wanted whatever option would actually work.

Second Incompetent Contractor (SIC) was one of the bidders, who came to us recommended by a friend, with references and license checked, etc., and he told us that he was 99% certain we did not need a sump pump unless, unbeknownst to all, we were sitting on a spring, which he didn't believe to be the case. In fact, he said, it's best to avoid a sump system as the primary means of waterproofing since a sump system inherently allows water to come in under the perimeter of the house which drains into a pit beneath the floor where the pump sits. The problem is that when the pump fails (usually not an if) you will have a basement full of water, whereas a french drain, which sits outside the perimeter of the addition just channels all the water away from the house by natural gravity before it ever gets inside. I pictured the sump failing at 3 am some Sunday morning in February and although fixing it from the outside was $2000 more and carried a 1% risk of failure, we chose Door #2.

It is noteworthy that a french drain system was envisioned by the original permit set, but the OIC hadn't installed it as set forth in the plans (nor the waterproofing, insulation, grading, or pretty much anything else). You can see from the photos below that there is some sort of thinly sprayed black stuff not even covering the mortar of the block wall where a 3 mm waterproof membrane glued to the wall and 1.5" of insulation board were supposed to be.
The biggest "whoops" was that OIC put the drain around the perimeter of the house, when it was supposed to go under the foundation itself. I guess he didn't bother to read the permit drawings, because that part was highlighted in yellow by the permit-writer. La dee da!!

Anyway, long story short, we hired SIC to fix OIC's mess and install the new door and trim. And his subs did do a better job waterproofing and installing some insulation:
But he became known as the second incompetent contractor because after it rained we saw this:
As it turned out, SIC didn't bother to check the grade from the addition to the alley, where the french drain was designed to exit. If he had (and this should be the first order of business for anyone suggesting a gravity-fed drain), he would have known that there was not enough of a slope to have the water from the drain. So instead of flowing freely into the alley, the sump exited below the level of the alley, which created a giant cesspool and also caused water to back up to the house and leak into the lower level. Again.

So we called the sump system folks back, and finally hired MER/Morrison who were the most expensive of the bunch but had the best warranty and were the most highly rated on Checkbook.org. They were also our last hope. Luckily, they were fast, professional, and most importantly - competent. And so, 2 years into this project we got this:

And there was much mirth and celebration in the kingdom.


So What's the Joke?

First of all, we ended up battling with SIC for a partial refund that didn't pay for the sump system, but also didn't involve going to court. Suffice to say, however, that SIC's name is still mud in our books - ha ha ha ha...

Until...

I have spent this weekend doing yoga and putting together - very calmly, very reasonably (thanks to the yoga) - our step-by-step case against OIC. One of the biggest things going for us - in my mind, anyway- is that it turns out that OIC's contracting license expired 3 months into our project. Additionally, in Virginia, there are 3 classes of license: one can have a Class C license where a single construction contract is between $1,000 and $7,500, or if the total value of all contracting by the person in a 12-month period is less than $150,000. A Class B license is required where a single contract is between $7,500 and $120,000, or if the total contracting value that year is between $150,000 and $750,000. OIC's license, when he had it, was a Class C license, but our project was well over $7,500, and so he should have had a Class B license all along. So part of my argument is that OIC committed fraud and is subject to the wrath of the Virginia Code for people who contract without a license.

The hitch in this fine argument is how to read the "or" in the Code. A contractor could argue that the "or" between the individual contract amount and the total contracting amount means one or the other, which could allow a result where a Class C contractor might be allowed to have an individual contract that was for $50,000, so long as their 12-month (presumably a rolling average) total contracting work stayed under $150,000.

The Virginia Board of Contractors clearly intended for the "or" to in effect be "and," as is visible from their consumer information sheet which states: "Any contractor who undertakes a project the total value of which is $120,000 or more is required to have a valid Class A license issued by the Board for Contractors. Any contractor who undertakes a project the total value of which is over $7,500 but less than $120,000 must have a valid Class B license." Their sheet doesn't even mention the other clause. This interpretation makes logical sense, because if you don't read it that way, then contractors would just ignore the more easily-triggered individual contract thresholds, since higher classifications have more arduous requirements (like an exam and minimum equity). So the Board would take my side and say that from the start, OIC needed a Class B license to do the work they proposed, a major win for me (Yay!).

Still, without any clear case law which, the last time I had looked, there hadn't been, I will be before a judge arguing things like statutory intent, reasonable interpretation, blah blah blah (Boo!).

But then I stumbled across a legal opinion recently issued on this exact point. The contractor in question had a Class B license and had a contract with a residential homeowner to do a $128,000 project. The homeowner paid this. The contractor was suing to get an additional $65,000 in what he claimed were change orders to the original contract. The homeowner argued that the claim was inherently barred, since the initial contract on its face required the contractor to have a Class A license (which he did not). And I jumped up and did a premature victory dance when I saw that the court ruled in the homeowner's favor - i.e., in my favor. Shazam! Hallelujah! Woo-hoo!!

But here's the kicker: Once I calmed down enough to write down the case name, I noticed that the contractor in question in this lawsuit was none other than SIC.

That's right, I'll have the joy of entering into the list of exhibits our expenses from SIC as evidence of expenses faced due to OIC's negligence, and will also be using caselaw against SIC to prove that OIC was a fraud, too. Irony? Hilarity? WTF is going on, am I being Punk'd?

Friday, November 13, 2009

OMG Progress!!

It's cold and miserable out there, folks, but here's a little ray of sunshine to brighten your spirits: there has been progress made on our house! We know, we know, it's kinda like when Jim started dating Karen - that was it, he and Pam would never get together! But lo and behold, we have started "dating" a competent contractor, and we hope that like Jim and Pam, we'll eventually live happily ever after in our new addition, although we are praying it doesn't take 5 seasons to get there. Of course, we are on Season 4...

Season Two Grand Finale: Which Side Are You On?

It occurred to me, only after someone asked me where the siding photos are, that I held out on all of you on that front. So let's do a little flashback to August 2008, when last you saw the outside of the addition:

What you are looking it is the jerry-rigged gutter and downspout, the gorgeous windows, the glass door, the temporary power, and the mudpit that was our yard. What happened next (sorta):
This is our lovely copper siding from Tegola, mentioned in an earlier post. The siding folks came and finally got started with the kind of union-worker vigor that would make Billy Bragg proud. Sadly, things sat like this for a several weeks while we tried to sort out some problems we were having with the downspout design and the door. Once solved, we put in a new door (we'll be back to that project in the future), the siding guys came back and worked some magic on the gutter, and Voila! A Kickin' It Addition:

As you can see, the copper that was put on earlier was darker, which made me wonder when, if ever, that would even out. The answer was "not long." It was also not long before the neighbors started talking to us about our Shiny Happy Addition. Thankfully, our (70+ yr old) next door neighbors love it, but another neighbor down the block (40+ yrs old) asked what we were going to put over it. Which goes to show that being young doesn't necessarily mean being hip.

Season Three Grand Finale: Back Yard Man

Season Three got off to a rocky start while we tried to end the basement water wars, then took an absurdist turn mid-season into Waiting for Dominion Through the Looking Glass. But finally, three months later, our new contractor was able to resume his work on re-installing the back yard concrete. I say re-install, because the Original Incompetent Contractor poured the back yard concrete back in 2007. Except that he poured it in such a way as to render it impossible to open the back door and so had to rip it all out. This didn't stop him from billing us for all his work on it, though.

Take two on the outdoor concrete and the first try on the shed and fence went beautifully. Our new contractor even had the wisdom to question the usefulness of a shed that would only be 3 feet deep, so made a slight design change to give us a far more practical 5 foot-deep shed. He also cleaned up the messes from the two previous contractors, moved the pipes that they had buried on the neighbor's property, re-did the shed once on his own volition to ensure that all the lines matched up, and still came in on time and on budget. I have written to the Archdiocese reporting this miracle, but haven't heard back from them yet. So here it is - the newly finished, brilliant outside of the addition (by the way, it's wet from the rain, not weirdly streaky):


I'll walk you through this 18 x 15' space, to point out the lovely details:

First, check out the cool matching shingles on the roof of the shed. These were leftover from the siding project. They were leftover, because the OIC miscalculated the total we would need for the sides and the inside of the two parapet walls, leaving us a parapet wall short of what we needed. Thankfully, our fabulous siding guys gave us - as in for free - some leftover bronze aluminum taking up space in their warehouse to use for the parapet walls. As you may also have noticed, the existing siding all now looks the same color, so I'm sure the shed roof will catch up pretty quickly.
Next is a close up of what we refer to as the mini-monolith, which is a smaller version of the one inside (and vastly improved in quality). This will house the outdoor refrigerator. You can't see it from the picture, but the conduit for the power was put in before the concrete was poured, so everything is nice and tidy. Also notice how the bottom corner of the fence by the door has a perfect cutout for the valve that sends our runoff water to the underground cistern (a more expensive and voluminous version of a rain barrel). This attention to detail would not come as a surprise to those working with competent contractors, but I don't take anything done right for granted anymore.

Another close up of the shed and the door - look at those lines!!
Once the fence and concrete are stained, this is going to look dope. Someday, The Plan is to put a built-in grill area where that wasp-filled Weber now stands, but who knows when that will be.

I close with a before vs. after, to give us hope as we enter into our next season:
vs.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Round One: Paris Saint-Germain vs. The Eagles, a.k.a. Football vs. Football a.k.a. Glace Vanille vs. Vanilla Ice Cream


Welcome to the inaugural episode of Now Serving! Our culinary adventure begins with the Lello the Magic Gelato Machine, a long-awaited arrival to brighten my little kitchen nest. Lello arrived on July 29 at 4pm, at a hefty 33 pounds. The first thing I did was ring in my 38th year at 12:02 am with a batch of blackberry sorbet. It was tasty, but just as an education in cooking starts with learning how to make eggs in every fashion, I've decided to learn my future profession from the ground up, starting with the mailroom of the iced desserts world: vanilla ice cream.

Ice Cream: The Abridged History

Like every favorite food, from pizza to pasta, ice cream has a highly contested history whose cast involves the usual suspects: China, Italy, France, the US, with Persia as the unknown starlet who steals the scene.

Larousse Gastronomique commences its historical tour de glace with the keenly astute observation that "the history of ice cream is linked with that of gastronomy and refrigeration." It goes on to credit the Chinese with knowing "the art of making iced drinks and desserts long before the Christian era." This art, the Chinese supposedly taught to "the Arabs, who began making syrups chilled with snow, called sharbets (hence the word 'sherbet' and 'sorbet.') At the court of Alexander the Great, and later under Nero, fruit salads and purees were served mixed with honey and snow. It was not until the 13th century, however, that Marco Polo is said to have brought back from the East the secret of cooling without ice, by running a mixture of water and saltpetre over containers filled with the substance to be cooled. Thus the great fashion of water ices began in Italy." The Gastronomic Committee at Larousse then goes on to credit Catherine de Medici with bringing this technology to the French court when she wed Henri II, but that this culinary novelty was not discovered by the Parisian hoi polloi until Francesco Procopio opened his famous Cafe Le Procope there a century later. Although ices made with milk, cream, and eggs appeared on the scene around 1775, this technique had apparently been discovered in 1650 by a French cook (mais bien sur!) in Charles I's English court, but had been paid by the king to keep his method a secret.

In any case, Larousse essentially gives the French and Italian chefs credit for all advances in the field until 1822, with the creation of such flavors as: "Malmsey wine from Alicante, angelica liqueur, the yolks of finch eggs, sugary melon, hazelnuts and mint liqueur, green tea and citron juice, pistachios and peach juice." However, the US is given its due for taking the ball and running with it in the 20th century, with "itinerant ice-cream vendors ... selling in the streets;" Larousse notes that the US "has been particularly creative, inventing myriad new flavours and ways of eating ice cream, including sundaes..., sodas..., milk shakes..., malts...and pie a la mode (pie with a scoop of ice cream)." I think it's hilarious that they translated pie a la mode.

For me, the Larousse is, as Jacques Pepin is quoted on the flap as saying, "the first place I look when I need to clarify a cooking question." Due to my own knowledge of French views on cooking, however, it is rarely the only place I look if I am concerned about historical accuracy and, surtout, impartiality. The tip off here was the egregious error in ascribing the Persian place in ice-cream making (taking place, according to Larousse, prior to Alexander the Great) to the Arabs, who did not conquer Persia until 900 years after Alexander's death around 323 B.C.

In any case, there is an excellent unabridged history of ice cream, with appropriate source citations, at The Nibble, and What's Cooking America but the key dates are:

4,000 B.C.: Chinese master the art of frozen desserts, including the key discovery that using salt and cool water/ice on the outside of a container lowers the freezing point of the contents inside the container. [Ed. Note: It has been brought to my attention that this is an inaccurate description of the science behind the method, but it's too long to explain here - stay tuned for a post on why ice+salt is necessary to make the ice cream freeze. In short, it lowers the temperature of the ice/liquid outside the canister, enabling the contents to freeze. Don't think too much about this or your head will hurt. Just trust me on this.]
2,500 B.C.: Persians, whose empire borders China, learn these nifty tricks. They are renowned for drinking fruit syrups cooled with ice (sharbat), a proto-Sno Cone of fruit ices sweetened with honey and cooled with snow. In a "you got your chocolate in my peanut butter moment," they also cross two favorite desserts - sorbet and rice pudding - into a dessert called faludeh around 400 B.C. - a delicious concoction of milk and vermicelli still served today and featuring rose water, saffron, lemon, and dried fruits.
300's B.C.:Alexander loves Persian snowcones so much, he has slaves climb mountains and bring down snow and store it in 30 foot deep trenches to ensure that his troops can enjoy their sharbat during battle, helping to eventually secure victory over the Persians after 10 years of war.
50 BC: Nero, the copycat, does what Alexander did, but makes his slaves run up and down the mountains for his snow.
700 AD: Arabs conquer Italy, bringing sorbet and pasta, which they acquired from their conquest of Persia 100 years earlier. Italians make granita, the much chunkier, and easier-to-make version of sorbet and commence securing their place in ice cream history.
1500s: Renaissance starts and while royalty dined on iced desserts, there is in fact no support whatsoever for the stories regarding Catherine de Medici (who was a mere 14 year old at the time of her marriage) nor Charles I's chef having invented ice cream.
1660 - 1690: - first recipes for flavored ices appear in French cookbooks and Starbucks-precursor Le Procope opens, serving coffee (of which Voltaire is said to have drunk 40 cups per day) and some sort of frozen dessert -whether sorbet or true ice cream, seems in dispute - to wealthy Parisians and later to Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. You can have it too, if you want - Le Procope is still open and still a Parisian highlight.
1744: A group of Virginia commissioners dine at the Maryland Governor's home, where they are served "a Dessert no less Curious; Among the Rarities of which it was Compos'd, was some fine Ice Cream which, with the Strawberries and Milk, eat most Deliciously."
1769: Elizabeth Raffold's The Experienced English Housekeeper includes a recipe for what looks like ice cream to me.
1770 - First U.S. gelateria opens in New York.
1777 - Philip Lenzi advertises in the New York Gazette that his business has ice cream available almost every day.
1802: Thomas Jefferson serves ice cream at a state dinner. He also writes his own recipe for vanilla ice cream, available for view on line here or in person (apparently) at the Library of Congress (I feel a subsequent episode coming along, perhaps with assistance from my dear friend and fellow foodie, Hannah).
1813 - Sallie Shadd, a freed slave, claims to have invented ice cream made of fruit, cream, and sugar, in Wilmington, Delaware. Dolly Madison travels to taste this new specialty and loves it so much that she serves it as the dessert at her husband's second inauguration, and at all state dinners thereafter.
1834 - Augustus Jackson devises the first modern method of manufacturing ice cream using ice and salt (per the Chinese method) to make ice cream in tin cans. After quitting as White House chef, he sells his ice cream to Philadelphia ice cream parlors. Augustus is African American and, as usual, some white person gets the patent and most of the credit.
1843 - Nancy Johnson receives first patent for the hand-crank ice cream maker, not unlike the same version sold by White Mountain today, enabling everyone to get their kids to crank that sucker for 45 minutes on hot summer evenings, with the end result that most pleasurable of childhood memories: homemade ice cream. I can still taste the eau de rock salt, and I say that fondly.
1851 - Jacob Fussell, a Baltimore milk dealer, has so much milk that to keep it from going sour and to expand his clientele, he starts manufacturing ice cream on an larger scale, and is credited with being the father of commercial ice cream production.
1865
- Term "hokey-pokey" enters the lexicon due to explosion of Italian ice-cream vendors on U.S. streets after the Civil War. Term itself is likely a corruption of "ecco un poco" (here's a little) or "O, che poco!" (oh how little) - presumably a reference to the price of the product.
1926 - Invention of continuous process freezer leads to the birth of the industrialization of ice cream production.

Whew! And there is so much more to learn, especially at Linda Stradley's What's Cooking America website.

The City of Lights vs. The City of Brotherly Love: Ice Cream Styles 101

So why the title of this post? As the history above hints at, modern ice cream really has its roots in Italy and France but its heart in America. Paris is where ice cream was first made fashionable, but Philly is where it became the Brangelina of the dessert world. One of the first differences that crops up when you start reading about making ice cream is the major dividing line between what is now called either French style ice cream or frozen custard vs. Philadelphia style ice cream (no alias), or as is seen on display in the ice cream case: French vanilla vs. Vanilla.

These two items are not dissimilar from football in France (aka soccer) vs. football in the U.S. in that both involve similar ingredients. In soccer vs. football, both have a field, two teams of about the same size, and a ball - and similar rules - your team has one side of the field, your opponent the other, and to score, you must get the ball across the furthest line on the opponent's side of the field. It is how one scores that differentiates the two games - one is primarily done with the feet; the other with the hands. Paris Saint-Germain vs. the Eagles. And oh what a difference is found in the "how."

French and Philadelphia style ice creams are much the same in that they both have a base of milk, cream, sugar, and some sort of flavor or fruit, you're heating it up to dissolve the sugar, then cooling it down and churning it all the while to prevent it from freezing solid or crystallizing. The difference between them really comes down to one thing: French vanilla has eggs; Philadelphia vanilla does not. So if you wondered why French vanilla looks yellow and regular vanilla looks white, that's the difference. Like soccer, eggs impart a magical sophistication, skill, and depth to cooking that is hard to imitate. Eggs bind, they emulsify, they stabilize, they add depth, they are the magical shape-shifters of the culinary universe. Eggs are ridiculously talented. And when blended into an ice cream base, they act as an emulsifier and a stabilizer for the fat from the cream and the milk. They also add a richness to the flavor. Ice cream without eggs is an act of brute force, much like the Eagles' running game. You're forcing the fat to freeze and you're churning it to keep it from crystallizing, but the fat never really binds to the water of the concoction, and the moment the heat hits that puppy turns to a milk shake. On the other hand, like many French dishes, French-style ice cream is dense and rich and it can overwhelm delicate flavors. There is nothing so all-American as Philadelphia-style strawberry ice cream on a hot summer's day - it's sweet frothiness is the perfect end to a dinner of grilled burgers and corn on the cob.

In saying this, I have in some ways told you the ending of the story. But like all sports, there is joy in the playing, regardless of who wins the game. And so begins our first match: The Thrilla of Vanilla.

You Say Vanille...

I have chosen The Perfect Scoop, by David Lebovitz, as my initial guide into the world of ice cream making, along with the Lello instruction manual and recipe booklet. He has a head-to-head recipe of French vanilla vs. Philadelphia style vanilla which are the basis for this first episode of Now Serving. First up, French or custard-style ice cream or glace vanille.

The ingredients are simple: 1 cup whole milk, 3/4 c. sugar, 2 c. cream, pinch salt, 1 vanilla bean, 6 egg yolks (6!!), and 3/4 tsp. vanilla extract.
Quality out depends 100% on quality in, in my experience, so I shuffled off to the organic market for the freshest, least-doctored dairy products I could find, from Trickling Springs Creamery in Chambersburg, PA. Yep, those are glass bottles, which they swear makes it taste better (I agree) and they also adhere to the first principle of environmental conservation: rinse and reuse. I haven't seen these since I was a kid visiting my grandparents in Wahoo, who still got daily deliveries from the Roberts Dairy milkman. The milk box was a standard component of my front porch games. Anyway, there you have it: the components of my glace vanille.

Step One of any ice cream is to heat the milk and some of the cream with the sugar and salt until the sugar dissolves. Then add the vanilla bean (scrape out the seeds first, then add the seeds and the pod) and let it steep, covered for 30 minutes. It looks like this:

Now comes the tricky part: making the custard. It's like riding a bike though. Figure it out - including falling down once - and you've got it forevermore. In Lebovitz' version, 1 c. of the cream and the extract have been reserved to receive the custard - I put them in a stainless steel bowl. Whisk the egg yolks in a measuring cup (you can freeze the whites for use in other things) and add about a cup of the steeped vanilla mixture (should still be warm, take out the bean) to the eggs, whisking while you work. Once mixed, pour the eggy vanilla mixture back into the remaining milk/cream mixture in the pot and turn the heat back on (low-medium) and stir constantly. A spatula helps reach every corner of the pot, but isn't necessary. What you're looking for is that moment when the liquid turns slightly solid and coats the back of a spatula such that you can run your finger down it and the divide remains (Lebovitz says this happens around 170-175, but it was closer to 180 for me). Do not overcook or you will end up with a separated eggy concoction which, fortunately, you can reconstitute if you work fast, by sticking it in the blender on high.


See the finger line down the spatula? Ta-da: custard!! Once you have your custard base, you now need to cool it, pronto. This is done by pouring the custard in the stainless or other non-reactive bowl (metals just transfer cold faster) with the remaining cream, putting it in an ice bath, and stirring constantly until the mixture feels cold. You can tell this is the case if the bowl itself (above the mixture) starts to feel cold.

Once cooled, pour the base into a container and put it in the refrigerator for several hours or overnight until thoroughly chilled. Then pour it into your mixer and freeze according to directions. Lello took about 45 minutes to reach this consistency:




...I Say Vanilla

Take 2. Now we've got 2 c. cream, 1 c. milk, 3/4 c. sugar, pinch salt, 1 vanilla bean, and 3/4 tsp. vanilla extract: Same general idea: Heat 1 c. of cream with the sugar, the vanilla bean and its seeds, and heat on medium until the sugar is dissolved. Remove from the heat and add remaining ingredients, stir, and put into container and chill the mixture until cold. Then process according to your machine's instructions.

In the end, here are our contenders, scooped out of their plastic containers after a night in the freezer, and displayed side by side:

Can you guess which is which? It's pretty easy: Philadelphia style is on the left; French vanilla is on the right. As one might predict the Philadelphia style version was much lighter and closer in taste to the memories I had of hand-cranked ice cream - fresh milk and sugar with the perfume of vanilla dancing on the palate. However, to my surprise, this version has a slightly waxy mouthfeel to it, the cause for which will be explored in future episodes, but in short comes down to the fact that I was using unhomogenized dairy products. I think.

The French style vanilla was superb. It was rich, very vanilla-y, and had a luxurious mouthfeel with no waxy sensation. It also held its shape better and didn't melt as rapidly. Because of the eggs, the vanilla was a bit more muted, but overall the glace vanille won the battle, edging its Philadelphia brother out on the basis of texture.

Well, I hope you've enjoyed the show and will come back for our next installment of Now Serving. If you try this, let me know how it went for you and whether you had similar results. Cheers!